Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
hell yes lets make some ravioli
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
