he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
