sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
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we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
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He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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