i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
