What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
