i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
