So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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