Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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