before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
