Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
