Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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