TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
