I faked an abortion last night.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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