WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
