she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
