You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
