Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
