i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
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