is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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