How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
