Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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