I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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