i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
