what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
