The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
