My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
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im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
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I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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