Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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