two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
