One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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