i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
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He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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