Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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