I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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