his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
