Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
