I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
