Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
