News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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