he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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