Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
When are your genitals available?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
