i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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