I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
