Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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