I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
