It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
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