So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
