i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
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I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
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Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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