Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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