Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
