Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
