Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
