You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
