i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
