Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
