I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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