You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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