I will die if light touches me.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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