Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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