my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Barsexuality is the new black.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Randomize
