Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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