I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
