my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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