apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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