I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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