there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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